How to Kill the Sohma's in 30 Seconds
by xCrimsonxBlackxBloodx
Summary: Warning: Your favourite character WILL die. Other than that, the whole concept straight foreward. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:... You know what? This isn't a disclaimer - I actually do own Fruits Basket and all that stuff, and I got really rich because of all the people who think that Yuki and Kyo and Haru and whoever else is really hott and - **

**Mailman who just appeared: Here you go (hands author a huge bag of letters)**

**Author: What the...? (Opens bag and reads a letter)**

_**Dear author,**_

_**The real author of Fruits Baskets, as well as Tokyo Pop Publishings and Funimation Media are filing lawsuits against you ...**_

**Author: OKAY!! FINE!! I ADMIT IT; THE NEKO - and everyone else - DOESN'T BELONG TO ME!!**

**(runs away crying)**

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR MOST OF THE MANGA (thus all of the anime). Also, this story hasn't been beta'ed. Why? BECAUSE MY BETA TAKES TOO DAMN LONG!!**

_Dedication: Emichii - you were just so upset when you finished "Shouldn't Love You Anymore", and I told you I'd decicate a funny fic to you. I just hope you have a morbid sence of amusement like I do. :)_

**o.o**

**How to Kill the Sohma in 30 Seconds**

**... Which isn't actually completely accurate unless you speed read it - but it sounds better than 'How to Kill the Sohma in About Five Minutes' so we can just keep it like that.**

**o.o **

When Kyo got locked up by Akito, Tohru got really depressed. As a matter of fact, she got so depressed that she grabbed the knife at her feet (the one conveniently placed there by the author), and slit her wrists. As she collasped to the kitchen floor, blood pooling around her body, fate (or the author) proved itself to be twisted and Kyo slammed the front door open. He charged into the house, ready to confess his love to the girl who's mother he killed, but froze when he saw the above mentioned girl lying on the kitchen floor, covered in blood, three quarters dead. He quickly fell to his knees beside her, grabbing her by the shoulders.

"No, dammit! You can't die now!" He yelled in a panic, ironically - even though he had a martial arts master as a father - not knowing any first-aid.

But Tohru didn't listen. She died anyway.

"NOOOOOOOO!!" Kyo cried out mellow-dramatically, because that's what you're supposed to do in situations like that and even he knew something so obvious. He collapsed beside Tohru's dead corpse and stroked her hair, whispering that he loved her, because he knew that you're supposed to do that, too.

He got bored of doing that, though, and didn't know what he was supposed to do next, so, sad that Tohru was (finally) dead, he picked up the bloody knife and stabbed himself in the heart. He thought it would hurt less than slitting one's wrists and he didn't feel like finding a more creative way to kill himself, but it didn't. It still hurt like a bitch, but that doesn't really matter; Kyo accomplished what he was trying to do. Within seconds, he was nothing more than another corpse lying lifeless in Shigure's house, waiting for some

poor coroner to have to put onto a stretcher and cart him away to a morgue.

And Kyo, for killing himself, went to Hell. He was in eternal pain, but happy. You see, he could once again see Tohru, even if they were both too busy being burnt by Hell's fires to actually enjoy the time they were spending together.

The Cat's bloody, dead body was still warm when Yuki got home from a Student Body meeting. It didn't take him long to find the two bodies - sniffing out bloody and dead things is something that scavenger-rodents do to survive, after all. But seeing Kyo lying there, dead, sent off warning bells in his head. If Kyo was dead, who would Akito beat up on all the time?

Crap. That would be him.

Well, screw that.

He picked up the now extremely bloody knife that didn't match any of the other knives in the house, washed it off (he didn't want his blood to mix with that Cat's blood, after all) and promptly slit his own throat. It cut through his wind pipe, though, and it all in all it was a rather pathful death; he had to deal with the pain from his throat until lack of oxygen caused him to pass out.

He, too, was only barely dead when Shigure and Aayame staggered into the house together. Since they were busy eating Feta cheese, it took them a while to notice all the 18 pints of blood that imminated from the bodies of the three dead teenagers in Shigure's kitchen.Shigure didn't seem too worried about the dead bodies - he collapsed to his knees and dissolved into tears at the sight in his kitchen, moaning about the likelihood of the floors being stained. Aayame, at least, was able to look past such mundane, Shigure-like things. He collapsed in a manner similar to that of the Dog's, but he took one, long, tear-filled stare at his younger brother and cried out "NOOOOOOOOO!"

After all, everyone know's that you're supposed to do that.

The Snake shuffled on his knees to the side of Yuki's dead, still, and partially beheaded corpse, stroking his hair, telling his that he loved him, not realizing that you're only supposed to do that to the people you were hoping one day to nail. Let's just hope that that was never Aayame's main intention.

Anyway, like Kyo, the Snake soon got bored of this. Still crying like a little girl, he took the knife from Yuki's cold, stiff hand and stared at it for a moment, glancing occasionaly at his relatives and their friend. Finally, it came to him. He didn't, after all, want to die in a bloody mess like that - how would that look in the tabloids? And so, he held the kitchen utencil-turned-weapon tightly in one hand and rapped himself sharply in the temple. Unlike Tohru, Kyo and Yuki, he died almost painlessly.

Shigure was too busy crying over the cost of what it would take to clean the floors to stop what his pale-haired friend was doing. When he saw the small trickle of blood that began to seep from Aayame's temple and onto the floor, though, he realized that being broke was something he never had planned for himself. He cursed his cousins and Tohru to Hell, not knowing that they were already there, and grabbed the blood-dripping knife from the floor.

It was only then that he noticed that there were no more truly original ways that he could kill himself with a knife. This was not something that took him a long time so resolve - he was a writer for a reason; his imagination was boundless. He dashed upstairs, rummaged around his study for a total of about 5 seconds then came back down so quickly that he nearly tripped. Back in the kitchen, he cocked the gun in his hand and shot his stupid doggy head off before even he knew he was doing it.

Meh, there were times for using one's imagination, and that wasn't one of them.

Neighbors heard the gushots, though, and promptly phoned the number that eveyone knows they should phone if they hear gunshots inside a house belonging to the Sohma; the number to the Main Estate (Honke, if you prefer). Within minutes, all of the Juunishi were making their way to Shigure's momentarely silent house.

It was Rin, being the Horse and the fastest runner, who got to the house first. When she got there, she couldn't believe her eyes.

"I can't believe my eyes!" She screamed, staring at the bodies.

Yeah, Rin, we know, I just said that. Now shut up and kill yourself already.

"I'll kill myself when I'm damn good and ready!" The Horse snapped, making it appear as if she was talking to herself.

You know, Shigure's dead, too.

"WHAT!" The Horse's eyes seemed to bulge as she screamed this out, a look of panic flashing across eyes that were frantically searching the pile of mangled, dead bodies.

Sure enough, Shigure laid on top of the pile. What kind of idiot Horse could miss something so obvious?

"NOOOOOOO!" The idiot Horse wailed, real emotion in her voice instead of that mellow-dramatic crap. Her knees gave out beside the bloody mess of human corpses, tears streaming down her face. "MY SECRET LOVE! THE MAN WHO'S CHILDREN I -REALLY- WANTED TO HAVE! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!?" Crying and screaming and making a pathetic scene, she grabbed the gun in Shigure's hand and, lacking the utmost amount of creativity, copied the man she secretly pined for in blowing out the small amount of brains she had to begin with.

Seconds later, Hatsuharu strolled into the kitchen, his hands in his pockets. He had always wondered why Rin never stopped talking about that stupid Dog, and now he at least knew the reason. Staring at the Horses dead corpse, he realized that the one thing that had kept him from being completely bored for the last few years had just killed herself.

...Crap. What would he do now?

Realizing that there was nothing for it, he rummaged around in Rin's pockets and pulled out a tiny clear bottle and a syringe - two items that she carried everywhere with her. The smirk on his face showing how funny he thought the fact that everyone actually believed the Horses hallucinations was, he filled up the syringe and then stuck the whole thing in his neck.

As his liver shut down, he figured that he at least wouldn't be bored this way. And as Hell's eternal flames burnt at his skin, he quickly found out that boredom would be the last thing on his mind.

It was also the last thing on Kisa's mind as the young Tiger wandered into Shigure's house with Hiro, just as Hatsuharu fell to the floor, frothing at the mouth and making a horrible mess for the poor coroner.

With a wail that cracked a few windows, she fell to her knees with a cry of 'Onii-chan!', since she really did think that Hatsuharu was some honourary brother of hers. Sheesh, how stupid do you have to be?

Good thing she gets to die - which is exactly what happened. Still whimpering about her Onii-chan, she grabbed the gun that Hatsuharu had forgotten about and pushed the cold metal in her mouth as far as it would go. Unfortunately for her (but fortunately for the author, who likes to write gory details), the gun slipped as she pulled the trigger, as happens often when someone tries to commit suicide like that. The bullet she released missed her brain, but did take off about half of her too big and innocent-looking face before lodging itself in an opposite wall.

Whatever, she bled to death as Hiro stood and stared, since he's not the brightest either and didn't realize what Kisa was doing - at least until she actually died the incredibly painful death that one should really not wish upon any other person. Fictional characters on the other hand...

When he finally did realize that the Tiger was dead, however, he dropped to his knees beside her and began to stroke her hair lovingly, screaming out "NOOOOOOOO!" like almost all of his dead family members before him. Instead of being sad that Kisa was dead, though, he did what he always does whenever the chance arises - he got pissed off.

As a matter a fact, he got so pissed off that he grabbed a kitchen chair and used the height he gained from it to tie his school tie (he may not actually be that smart, but he likes to pretend he is) to the light fixture. With the other half of the tie still around his neck, he kicked the chair from under his feet and proceded to hang himself. Being not too smart, though, he didn't think of how long it took to die by hanging and began to regret his decision he dangled there, being strangled by the weakening fabric of his crappy school tie.

Ironically, the tie gave way just as he finished twitching and withering, and Momiji and Kagura both walked into the kitchen just as he thunked on top of the ever growing pile of Sohma bodies, which was of course surrounded by an ever growing pond of blood.

Now, many people don't know this, but Momiji is actually a manic-depressive. As fate (or the author) may have it, though, the phone call and subsiquent stampede to get to Shigure's house left him little time to take his happy pills; it was, after all, still morning. Since he was already feeling rather down and suicide was on his mind, seeing the bodies of various members of his family sent him over the edge in deciding that suicide was a pretty damn good idea right about now.

Even as Kagura tip-toed her way through the thirty or so pints of blood on the flood, he found the well known kitchen-knife-turned-muder-weapon lying near Aayame's pale, cold, crimsom red and outstretched hand. He grabbed it from his dead cousin's clutches and promptly rammed it in to a nearby power outlet. The lights in the house dimmer for half a minute and when they returned to normal, both Momiji and Kagura were dead. After all, they had both been standing in a conductive liquite when the stupid Rabbit decided that it would be a smart idea to off himself.

The house was just beginning to smell nicely of burnt hair and crispy bodies when Ritsu ran in - and let's not forget that he's always thinking of commiting suicide. Well, he took one look at the ten people lying on the ground and quickly realized that they weren't actually taking a nap. Of course comming to the conclusion that he was the reason they were all dead, he did what he does best - he starting screaming his moronic cross-dressing head off.

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY THAT I DROVE YOU TO YOUR _DEATHS_! HOW COULD I BE SO SHAMELESS, SO SELFISH THAT I DO SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE! I, WHO HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR AND NO POTENTIAL! I'M SO SOOOOORRRRRRYYYYY! I SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO IS LYING ON THE FLOOR, DEAD! I -" But he stopped there; that last thought he had screamed out had some merit. Besides, being one of the last Zodiac members alive would mean that Akito would beat up on him a lot, and that was something he just didn't want.

Lightening fast, he opened the cupboard under the kitchen sink and grabbed the five liter container of Bleach that resided there, then proceeded to dump half of the nearly-full bottle all over himself. The other half fell into his open mouth and slid down his throat. It seemed that stupidity - like insanity - ran in the Sohma family, though, since it was only then that Ritsu realized that Bleach was a rather caustic chemical, burning both his skin and his esophagus as he slowly brought this information up from somewhere in his remarkably smart brain.

He couldn't even scream as the chemical burned his body, since it also took care of his vocal cords with amazing efficiency. As it was, though, he was still in the process of dying - though passed out - when the last two members of the Zodiac walked into the house, calming smoking cigarettes as they surveyed the bloody mess that was once the floor of Shigure's kitchen.

With a glance at Kureno, Hatori suddenly pulled out a small canister of pills from his white doctor's coat. Notcing that the once-Rooster was still starring at what had once been their living, breathing relatives, he pulled off the lid. He was about to down the pills when Kureno finally saw what he was trying to do.

They looked at eachother for a moment, undoubtedly trying to judge the other and what their intentions were. Finally, though, Hatori spoke. "Look, Kureno, Akito likes you - she won't torment you as much as she would me, if you were to die."

"I am Akito's _man-whore_," Kureno told him, now looking at his cousin as though questioning his sanity. "That's not something I'm exactly proud of, Hatori."

There was a moment's silence before Kureno lunged at the doctor, trying to pry the pills (which were obviously good pills to use as a suicide) from his hands. In the end, though, Hatori managed to shake about half the bottle into his mouth and swallow the pills there. He let out a triumphant "ha!" in a most un-Hatori-like why, but then suddenly keeled over.

Only one thought drifted into Kureno's enpty skull as, unbeknownst to him, Hatori joined the rest of their family in the burning pits of hell: Crap. After all, what was he going to do, now that he was the last of the Juunishi (even though he wasn't really one of the Juunishi)? Akito was going to watch over him like a hawk...

He glanced down at the bottle of pills that was still in Hatori's stiff hand. Even from where he was, he could see that there were still at least two dozen pills left...

Not anymore...

Stooping, he grabbed the little plastic bottle and quickly shovelled the rest of the pills down his throat. Even as he began to wonder if he had taken enough of the drugs to kill himself, his brain suddenly shut down and he dropped like a stone onto the bloody kitchen floor.

As quickly as this all happened, he had just dropped dead when Akito ran into the house and then the kitchen, taking in the digusting, revolting mess before her eyes with much difficulty. There, lying on the bloody kitchen floor in a graceless pile that would have made Ayame cry were all of her Juunishi, all of her servants...

Slowly, her eyes roamed over the pile of dead bodies, taking in the images of all those dead, sightless eyes...

Then, she found Kureno amongst that mess, and she snapped. "NO! KURENO! MY MAN-WHORE!" She screamed out, falling to her knees in disbelief.

Ironcially, the evil, sadistic Head of the Sohma family was the only one who did not go to Hell - she died of a heart attack instead.

**o.o**

**Am I twisted? Yes. Am I nuts in the head? You'd better believe it! Did I have fun thinking of all the ways I logically could to kill the Sohma's? **

**Do I have to dignify that with an answer...?**

**Anyway, for those with the same type of morbid amusement I have, who have actually read this, drop me a line, okay?**

**REVIEW!! I wanna know what you really thought!**

**xCxBxBx**


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